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My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys? 
I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?
Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.
This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...
Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?
Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.
My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”
Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.
There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.
When it feels like your moral compass always points south.
In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.
The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.
* The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want. 