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Only 20 Java updates since yesterday?? 
No job is too big for me to ignore.
My Dad sends his love because he thinks I know you all personally.
one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors
i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas
Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy
The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.
My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.
the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!
you showed up in my toxicology report
I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.
I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.
Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!
Grim Reaper: I have come for you Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started
Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore. 