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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again 
When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.
"Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.
I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.
How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?
Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive
I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!
To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.
If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.
Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there
My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.
Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
"Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?
I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. 