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It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires. 
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter!
In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.
So Justin Trudeau has Covid. I'll bet he feels like he's been hit by a truck.
My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.
Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!
I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.
You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.
"You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!
German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"
How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.
F-book has gone from a social media platform, to an entity bent on 'protecting' people from the truth.
I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve. 