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Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out. 
It's official, I'm not gonna remember unless there's a Facebook event for it...
Why do we need algebra? ... Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate
Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.
Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.
Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)
We can only heal as a nation, once we acknowledge that Morris Day and the Time were robbed in the battle of the bands in Purple Rain.
There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.
They should blast the Oscar Meyer Weiner Song non-stop into Jerry Sandusky's cell for the 400yrs he's in there!!!
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's probably the best time to do it.
My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...
I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they got back from the IRS..............
WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...
Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.
I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat.
I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"
I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.
My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping. 