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It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween. 
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!
A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.
I've looked all over ESPN for last night's WWE match winners but it's like it's not a real sport…
90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?
I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.
I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...
It's always the ugly girls who are feminists
Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?
Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.
every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.
My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."
Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing
Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom
Just saw a guy getting jumped. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.
Politicians are almost always viewed on camera from the waist up during speeches and debates because their pants are OBVIOUSLY on fire.
I may not always celebrate holidays, but when I do, I prefer Christmas. Stay cheerful, my friend!! 