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Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby. 
I want a woman that makes my d*ck hard. Not my life.
I'm going to start wearing Summer's Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to d*uches
Rest in Peace Sheriff Taylor.. You will be remembered and loved.
Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..
Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.
No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.
uncertain of what the etiquette is here, I got Kim Jong Il's name in Secret Santa.
not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It's like an applesauce sandwich trying to teabag a Yeti. Know what I mean?
To all who have worn the uniform of the United States Armed Forces……. from the first shots fired at Lexington in 1775, to the shots still being fired overseas this very day……. I salute you!
Texting: dragging a five minute conversation out for five hours.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.
No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"
Blind hookers...ya gotta hand it to em!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Who wants to get deleted.. send me a game request. . .
Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm Pregnant"
Congrats to all the Third world children who will be getting their 2012 Ravens Super Bowl ,and AFC championship sweatshirts and hats next week. 