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The guy who created the Big Mac has passed away at the age of 98. Michael Delligatti ate at least one Big Mac every week for decades yet lived to be 98. I have one thing to say about this..."KALE, YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!" 
New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.
Q: Why there are bomb blasts in Pakistan?
A: The terrorists have opted to 'work from home' policy.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It's really a cold water heater.
You know its cold outside when you trip over dog sh** instead of stepping in it.
The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.
Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.
I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while
My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.
Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving
I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.
Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.
I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend
Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies 