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If diamonds are a girls best friend and a dog is mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex? 
I like to write out my self-worth in roman numerals. It looks so much more impressive.
People who want happy endings have to write their own.
I think I might be coming down with a "woman cold", it's sorta like a "man cold", but somehow I can manage to clean, do laundry, and take care of myself.
My eye's feel like they need a kickstand.
My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.
Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.
♫♪♫....I'm beginning to think I'm blocked for Christmas...♫♪♫
The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.
Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"
Gentlemen Never forget that a girl is your friend only until she finds a boyfriend.
You never have to wonder if someone loves you or not; their actions will speak loud and clear. If you're still wondering, they don't.
The only time I wouldn't mind being buried alive is if were under a pile of money.
You had me at: "I have an open bar tab."
I'm a Gentleman. I'll always give a woman my umbrella if it's raining outside. Unless she's wearing white of course.
Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Bathroom Mirrors & Associates?
Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by 'down' I mean 'over her face'.
I know you put up with the crazy for the blow jobs.
Look to the left. Now look to the right. Guess what? I just virtually slapped you :)
This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary. 