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That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey. 
I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.
If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.
Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.
I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."
I've done more today than I've done in 4 years.
I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.
A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.
Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?
The best relationships are the ones where the other person makes you so f*cking h*rny you can't remember why they've made you so p*ssed off.
Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.
I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.
Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"
Its a sad day. Signed, Epstein's Mother
I have planned to be very spontaneous today
Sheesh, The Heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA finals.
Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort... 