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I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles. 
Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings
I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
DO NOT tickle me, Elmo!
It's unbelievable how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and going to sleep.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
dear rapper, pls stop using sirens in ur songs sincerely, paranoid smoker
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Hillary couldn't even establish a "No Fly Zone" on her face!!
Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"
I wonder if everybody is still Kung Fu fightng.
I wish the ATM machine would spit me out an extra 20 just one damn time!!
quit gambling. wanna bet?
seize the moment! Remember all those people on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart...
"You look like you work out", said no one, to me.
✔ Food ✔ Beer ✔ More food ✔ Suit ✔ Laundry ✔ Wine ❒ Christmas Gifts ..... Damn
Dear Facebook Family...Thanks for being the Joy to my World...Merry Christmas! 