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Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples. 
Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!
The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.
I'm surprised the weather channel hasn't started naming the caravans......
A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.
I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding
If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Jimmy Kimmel asked Americans to find North Korea, but they pointed at Canada. Are we really this stupid?
The guy below doesn't seem to get that everyone knows he posts nonsense.
The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.
I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.
My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.
If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.
The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.
"For the last time woman, it's an ACTION figure!!!"
My cats think I'm the best cook.
"As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."
one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.
My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter. 