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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.” 
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?
I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
In a world where you can do anything, do it over there.
And remember kids...it's on Facebook so it must be true!
How do you tell someone you love them without them making it weird that you're under their bed
Wild Turkey on the rocks helps to cope with your relatives on Thanksgiving.
Do people still say Okie Dokie or is it just me?? 🤔🤔🤔
"Wow, this robo-call is really interesting. I'm going to listen to the whole thing!" said no one ever.
I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!
"So this is Christmas, and what have you done?"
The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?
Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!
After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.
So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...
If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition 