Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved. 
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.
I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.
Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?
No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again. 