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What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter 
I’ll always be the one who got away.
Korean scientists have announced that have successfully cloned two Macaques! It's impossible to tell them apart..said one of the monkeys!!
Don’t send me the 1 pic you liked lemme see the hundred you didn’t like
I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.
My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.
I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend
I'm far from distancing my self from anything.
Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.
I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.
I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.
ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.
needs to sit down in the Thinking Chair and Think...Think...THIIIINNNKK!!!
silence is golden but duct tape is silver
starting to agree with the voices in his head......
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas 