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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone. 
I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
"buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.
Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.
we need funny material not people who think they are funny
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...
A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme. 