Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum* 
If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!
If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.
Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming
I'm just playing devils avocado here
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
"I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.
"I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.
*Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.
Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
: I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast. 