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I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch 
The diference between inlaws and outlaws...... Outlaws are wanted.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes
Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.
Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.
Saw a new woman's talk show called "The Woman's Talk hour." It's on weekdays from 1pm to 3:30pm.
I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.
FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.
Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.
Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!
If you feel "blessed" because you have a lot of stuff, you obviously don't understand the meaning of "blessed."
Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn
When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are
Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing
Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life. 