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When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. 
When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.
I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.
When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.
When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.
I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.
I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.
Bummer is being sick on your day off.
The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.
I stuff the holes in Swiss cheese with other cheeses.
The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.
Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.
You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.
"When did hamburger start needing help?" 