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Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine. 
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.
Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising
Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't
Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment
not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.
Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.
with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance
WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not??? 