Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.
How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
12 days to Valentine...
...wives have become more polite than customer care..
I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.
Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...
Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them
My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become. 