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When a woman says she’s speechless, free up 8 hours in your day because she’s about to say a lot. 
I don't work this hard to stay the same.
People are saying that Lindsay Lohan was thumbing her nose at the law. She was prabably just holding it on from all the coke.
Experience is a good teacher, but it comes at a high price.
It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
New tourism slogan: "Missouri Loves Company".
I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...
Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages
"Shia LeBeouf" sounds like the name of the venereal disease that will eventually rid the world of Kardashians.
Find your little island of "OK" in a vast sea of "Holy crap!"
I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome. :)
It takes exactly 14 Kitkats to make you pass out from a sugar overdose.
Last night I slept next to a plate full of Dominos pizza crumbs if any of you are wondering where I am in my life's journey.
I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am. Unless she forced me to. I mean what could I do?
feels sorry for the turkey....after it gets killed, the neck gets shoved up the @$$...what a way to go
Curious George books are a great way to teach kids that single men who wear large yellow hats and own pet monkeys are in no way threatening.
Girls; Real men look for women who are mature, and know what they want in life; Players will take you either way.
Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"
It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.
My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, "It's obvious, you can't hold down a job." 