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This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote. 
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....
There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over
No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.
A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.
Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.
I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.
My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said,
"Staring contest......GO".
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.
The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.
Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.
My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired
Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.
Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.
I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know.... 