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Don't you wish you called-in blind, just cause you can't see yourself at work today? 
I stopped listening when you said "No."
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!
Nympho support group meeting, my place, 9pm.
I feel sorry for the people that actually have Earthquakes today..
How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"
Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.
I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed.
My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."
hey Google, why don't you sit next to me during my exam?
In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.
I'm going to sign my gf up for Hoarders, she must have been saving her emotional and mental bullsh!t until we got together
It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.
Just found the first honest psychic hotline that told me I would soon regret giving them my credit card number.
Don't you hate the uncomfortable feeling when you have a really bad cold and one nostril is stuffed up to no avail and the other nostril is so perfectly clear that when you breath in it feels like all the cool air goes straight to your brain.
This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.
If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit
if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning 