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needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs 
Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!
Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night
Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?
Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.
As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!
Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.
My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.
You can't control random.
according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...
The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.
The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.
If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.
I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
You can't hurry love, but you can honk the horn a few times and let it know you're waiting.
promises she's not stalking you... by the way you are out of milk
scream in a Library, everyone just looks at you, but if you scream on a plane, everyone joins in!!?
Glad Doc Brown no longer needs plutonium for his flux capacitor, ‘cause the Libyans are busy right now.
there's something special about today....maybe its because I finally decided to shave my legs
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. 