Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.

   If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.