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A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics. 
gymnists used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight
I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.
I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.
Erectile Dysfunction isn't my problem... It's the Erectile Rejection that's a b!tch.
I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.
It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I would definitely arch my back for you.
Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.
It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.
Maybe the Packers should have asked for a discount double check.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don't understand why people spend so much money on dieting when you can just get lost for 3 weeks in a forest for free
We now live in a wold where you are noticed, acknowledged and financially rewarded for being a douchebag while all the nice and good guys are ignored and neglected. Case in point, Kanye, Bieber, Kim, Minaj, etc
COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?
time is precious...waste it wisely!!
If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.
I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!
.... After eight years ... At least with a new President Comedians will finally be allowed to joke about the president once again. 