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'Beautiful women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer' 
the electronic sign said to call 911 if we see drunk drivers, isnt it against the law to use your phone in the car ?
Amy Schneider is a biological male. The swimmer from Penn State is a biological male. They should not be given records that were previously relegated to the ranks of biological females.
I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.
I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty good at changing light bulbs.
I searched on Google: "What do Women want?" Google search results: "We are searching too"
It's the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
Frosted animal crackers, proof that this generation is too fat!
A life vest - protects you from drowning. A bullet proof vest - protects from bullets. A sweater vest - protects you from dating.
Hi. I just had a complete makeover. Hair, nails, makeup, boob$ etc. Bought all new clothes to fit my new size 3 figure. All this just so I can attract another a$$hole.
to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers
Some people should really consider giving up AIR for Lent... just sayin'
I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!
Plenty of Fish "Hey, here are 3 pictures of my cleavage and I, but don't message me for sex"
The wierd moment when you scroll through someones timeline history and they get skinnier...
If you want something to be misunderstood, post it on Internet.
Atlantic City Casinos are losing $5,000,000 a day being closed. I guess the "House doesn't always win!
Don't forget to show appreciation to those you're most thankful for this holiday season. You know your pharmacist, bartender and weed guy.
People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.
Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X. 