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Hey Facebook, I really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo. 
Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.
Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.
Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.
Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.
My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
CNN Just announced that Hillary won the next Debate.
Here's a Christmas Idea for yas... Cheech and Chong advent calendars with 1 gram of different weed a day .
Just in: Clinton is now LEADING in polls in important battleground states, such as Qatar, Iraq, Iran, and Syria And hopefully soon... San Quentin.
I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.
Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.
This girl got all pissed off just because I was reading the back of her pants... so what if I was trying to read it in braille
Why does every Nickelodeon and Disney actor/actress have to be given a Record Deal? Just because they can act, doesn't mean they can SING.
I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.
Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face
The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
it just me or does Justin Bieber's new haircut make him look like Marcy Darcy from "Married With Children"?
Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.
The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!' 