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I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old. 
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
*beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)
Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”
I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I saw an ad on Craigslist that said "Radio for sale. $1 as is. Volume stuck on full." I thought "Wow! I can't turn this down!"
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.
that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between
You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.
I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.
Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.
Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.
Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.
Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.
It doesn't matter what it is. It's automatically cool if it Glows in the dark.
How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat. 