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I'm not a "stalker". I want to make sure you're okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard. 
I heard some people talking sh*t about you, they were saying you loved c*ck sandwiches, but I stuck up for you. I told them you don't even like sandwiches.
Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.
Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.
Why do porn sites have a 'Share to Facebook' button? Who watches porn and thinks, 'You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends.'
The only appointments I'm ever on time for are disappointments.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn't live in glass houses.
Be yourself, you already have the costume.
Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"
Masturbation - When you want a job done right you've got to do it yourself.
there anything lamer than sharing a FB profile with your wife?? Grow some effing balls or come out of the closet already...
Some people say, “Facebook me” while others say, “Follow me.” But, I miss the classic, “blow me.”
Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
Everyone wants to be Mexican for today Cinco De Mayo.. But nobody wants to work like Juan
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.
I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.
Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must. 