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Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs 
Guys.. You ever see a very attractive female and think "man, I have no idea how she could be single" and then she says 4 sentences, and it all makes sense...
Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.
I'm no mathlete but I can tell you that a 6 year old running at 8 mph after an ice cream truck driving 10 mph files 7.4ft when you trip him.
If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business..
Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.
I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.
I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming
If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned.
I'm convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?
What she said: "I'd make great wife material" What I heard: "I'm going to nag you to death and never touch your d*ck"
I was born and raised in the circus, so as a young boy I use to dream of running away from home and joining the suburbs.
A statue of Satan was unveiled in Detroit. It doesn't seem to be very accurate though, because it looks nothing like my ex-wife.
What if the Lottery is an institution to catch time travelers..?
What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. 