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May your coffee kick in before reality does. 
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.
“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.
For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."
My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.
Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce? 