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If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy. 
75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?
If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!
There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.
It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".
If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Disney will install warning signs to prevent future alligator attacks but sadly most alligators are illiterate.
Dating Red Flags: She shows you the "good behavior" pin she received in group therapy.
.... Heck ..... ow can you trust a government that leaves you defenseless against an enemy your own Government Imported?
If we had a black president none of this kind of stuff would be happening.
'Black Lives Matter' is taking off while 'Just stop breaking the law yo' gets no support
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.
I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!
"It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..
Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?
Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.
The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia. 