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Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents. 
Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants
A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"
I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.
Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.
*spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.
I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
"Nice mask' Me firting in 2020
We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry. 