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Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"? 
I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons
By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉
tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country
You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times
Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan
I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
"If you build it, they will come." -Inventor of the Vibrator
When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.
The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches..... 