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When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard. 
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol
Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday
I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.
Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf
I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer”
because when people see a sign that says,
“Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM”
everyone is going to be there.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast
"Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer
Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes...
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!
The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal! 