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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money. 
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
The average Apple employee works 6 hours a day longer than an Apple battery.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.
Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.
And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl LV Champions gear. Enjoy your Chiefs gear, Kenya...
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.
Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.
what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw
I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today.
It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old.
I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019.
Good thing they dug it up when they did.
The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore. 