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Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs. 
Some people should
use a glue stick
instead of chap stick.
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?
My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.
Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”
The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.
Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.
Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3
Whelp, it looks like another day we're not going to cure the coronavirus with our Facebook posts.
I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face. 