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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship. 
As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio
Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.
OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?
What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?
Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....
What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!
There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.
thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks 