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My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much. 
Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.
While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.
Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Having a terrible night with my date and her husband
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.
People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.
No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.
Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.
Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?
.... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?
For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."
I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks
It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!
I graduated at the top of my anger management class 