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Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle. 
Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says "free hugs"
2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"
My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.
A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.
Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?
Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.
Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
Why do baby clothes have pockets ?
I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.
"did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"
Alexa, clean up my act!
It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.
The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!
The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws. 