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Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty. 
Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.
A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.
If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.
I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...
Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!
It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
Babies are participation trophies for men.
If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.
I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.
The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.
Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?
If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
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