Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart! 
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?
I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.
Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!
All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.
I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.
The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.
If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality. 