Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just saved a guy from drowning by throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline. He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

   I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   I always confuse reptiles and amphibians. OK to be honest, neither one knows what I’m talking about.

   “You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.” My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

   Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

   Sadly, the Coronavirus has better coverage than T-Mobile.

   Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937 With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

   Shout out to all my homebodies.

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.

   Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.