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IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ? 
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
Car washes are just another shower to cry in.
Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat
It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?
It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.
"No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."
I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Coronavirus is cancelling everything but my bills
All those unmatched socks are gonna finally be put to good use with the toilet paper shortage going on.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months, after this thing pass but them babies will be known as the Quaranteens
I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee. 