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In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries. 
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.
Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.
When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?
I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.
I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.
I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.
I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.
My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢
Me and my recliner go way back.
Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
[me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously? 