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My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them. 
You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.
I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
"My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."
The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.
Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight
Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.
NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit
You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.
Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.
The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good 