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KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised. 
Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?
Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!
This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.
Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?
You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?
Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?
I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!
Congratulations to the astronauts
that left Earth today.
Good choice.
All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.
Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."
" Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "
Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit. 