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If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7 
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...
Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...
My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?
I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.
Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.
How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.
French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.
Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."
I love snow – People who never shovel
I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.
I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.
Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.
When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls. 